Midnight Musings: A Reflection of 2018

What a year it has been!

I felt like this was probably one of the hardest years that I've been through so far, that emotional rollercoaster in 2013 and even when I was in my early teens are NOTHING. Mostly because I've tried to handle my problems as independently as I could, I didn't really want to tell people about my problems but then I found myself being too overwhelmed. Point is: it's okay to ask for help.

Basically, that sort of stuff.. I've more or less taken my own matters into my own hands and I suppose that's one of the hardest things to do when you don't actually know how life works. 

You think you know, but you don't know ANYTHING. 

I've struggled with my mental and physical health a lot this year, honestly, I'd say a lot more than last year, and at that time, I didn't think it could get any worse. Of course, I was very wrong, and I think I hit one of my lowest points so far (relative to myself of course), both mentally and physically. I was stubborn about many things, also because I lacked so much motivation, but deep down I knew I hated the way I was and I needed to change it instead of always giving myself excuses, so I made changes to my life. I may not have instagram-worthy smoothie bowls or ootd's like I used to when I was in my 'prime'. I used to be almost 10kg lighter, had a pretty crazy diet (which I oddly enjoyed at that time) but wasn't feeling 100%. I won't say I was unhealthy, but I was being too ambitious about being so healthy and strict with myself.. if that makes sense..?

In 2017, my weight just kept going up and up and up, not matter what I did, and in 2018, it barely went down, it just stayed there, or went up. The bulk of the weight came during my thesis period in 2017, mostly because my healthy habits have changed (like an intense, sudden change), I was having more fun with friends, but at the same time, I began to feel my body's stamina and everything else changing. It came to a point where I hated how I looked and I hated how I felt, I couldn't post outfits on instagram that I was proud of because I felt ugly. Then it became a whole pity party.

I didn't want to hear what other people have to say because deep down inside I know it, but I also knew that I'm the type of person who tends to oppose what people tell me to do, especially if it's something that I'm insecure about. It's not that I didn't disagree, I knew I was getting fat and I knew I could easily change it, but I also knew that if I did, I would be doing it to prove something to them, instead of doing it for myself. Truth is, I just want not motivated at all. But all that doesn't matter anymore because I know I'm happier now, and it's high time I learnt to love myself, and the plans I've had for myself would follow. 

I started boxing with a personal trainer who is an amazing person. You can click here to check her out, she is one of the reasons I keep wanting to be stronger and better. I started going for different dance classes outside of ballet and contemporary to encourage myself to try something new (going with friends always helps, thank you Nari!). I even started doing yoga with Nikko and it definitely reminds me that I'm doing these things for myself, instead of for the people around me. I did quite a few rearrangements to my room and spent a little too much money on new storage (no regrets there, though) and it honestly feels amazing and so liberating. I may not be back on my mega healthy diet anymore but I'm not eating anything and everything as and when I want anymore, that has probably been one of the hardest things to do, but I'm glad I'm doing it FOR MYSELF. And I need to do it at my own time. 

I'm not where I aim to be just yet, but I know I'm on my way. Results aren't always immediate, and you will relapse, but what's important is getting back on track and remembering why you started in the first place. It's hard to ignore what some people say, but when you do things for yourself, all the negative things affect you so much less.

But I suppose it's all part of growing up. I'm lucky that I can go to my parents and friends to ask for help if I actually wanted to, but I'm stubborn, sensitive and I've got a bit of an ego, so I didn't ask unless someone sensed I needed help and the help was actually offered. Then again I'd think twice about it because I hate owing people anything, but friendships are never really about owing things or being calculative, and that is something I've learnt too. 

Which leads me to the whole topic about really knowing who my real friends are. I'm definitely the person who has very little close friends and a lot of acquaintances. I meet people at events, on shoots and at pageants, we may get along while we're in the same vicinity, but who's to say that we're actually friends instead of acquaintances who just get along? Not that these people aren't nice or admirable, I think this matter is definitely subjective because friendship means different things to people, and I suppose it made me think about what true friendship means to me, and what I value in a person. As I grow older, I also learnt to appreciate my parents more, and I think as children, that's something important as well. The things they do for us is a privilege, not a right/obligation.

I'm not going to go into detail about what I think about when it comes to friendship. But I think it's safe to say I'm selective with people I'd be willing to go the extra mile for. I mean, you guys know who you are, I'm definitely grateful for your existence and I'm so glad that I've met each and every one of you. 

Bringing it back to how I learnt to do things for myself.. Every decision you make will affect your future, and often, there will be people who are with you in the present that will be with you in the far future. Decisions affect them too. I used to be able to just think for myself, literally doing whatever I wanted to do, because it never really occurred to me that things like paying for a house in the future, or having a savings account or having a healthy CPF account was going to be important in my early 20s. Now that I am 25, I realised that it makes a difference, I honestly won't say it's life or death, but it will make your life so much easier. 

This lead me to making investments, getting a full-time job, as well as actually getting my own savings plan and other insurance plans. Made me feel like an adult for sure, and I think one of the hardest things to do is remembering that the money gets deducted from your account every month or so (depending on your plan), and I was so used to shopping so much or just getting things online, that I tend to think about the more important payments. I've hit a financial ditch or two, not going to lie, and of course, it taught me to manage my finances better. 

Needless to say I got too used to recieving a cheque every month, and when I left the full-time job, I forgot that freelancing payments can range from cash on the same day, to payments 90 days after the job. So yes, more financial ditches, another lesson learnt the hard way. I'm not blogging about this to 'glorify' my plight and whatnot, but I just hope someone sort of benefits from reading about this? Maybe it reminds you to stop buying random things that you see online like I do, or maybe it just gives you something to laugh at. I don't know. Or maybe I'll inspire you to follow your heart and do what makes you happy, and try to make a living out of it. I'm barely there yet, if you ask me, but I'm not giving up.

Of course, being so excited and enthusiastic about going back to freelancing made me learn about pacing myself. I felt so invincible and liberated when I made the decision to go back to freelancing that I packed myself to the absolute brim. Nothing good came from it. I felt like I couldn't do my best in either of my projects, I was stressed, I ended up troubling other people who didn't even have anything to do with my projects, I got into trouble with people within the projects. It was a total mess. But in the end, I'm proud to say I managed to get past everything, and now it's just another lesson learnt. It was something I needed to go through for sure, because now I know that I really like working as a freelancer, even if it meant taking time to find jobs and learning to pace my financials. 

I'm not saying that I got nothing out of the full-time job. Not only did I learn that my mental capacity for admin work is horrendous, but I also learnt that I really liked working in the art team on sets, that I love acting and going for all my media events. I also met great friends and also learnt to handle my social anxiety in professional settings (I don't think it's gone, I'm still working on it). I think that was probably one of the hardest things for me, but also, one of the most important. Of course there were other things that helped me cope with the anxiety, but I think the full-time job pushed me to force myself to.. handle/face it? Needless to say, there were a lot more things that I took away from working full time, but I'd say the things I've written about are the most important to me.

Also, I was probably just going about freelancing the wrong way - not working hard enough to land auditions. I had a 'rebel phase' and had my inner layers bleached towards my time in Tanglin, and of course, that was a stupid move. So I decided to stop doing silly things to my hair and go back to a ash/dark brown, I think I'm doing a lot better, and of course, my self-esteem has improved and I'm slowly learning how to organise my time better too!

I think I might have rambled on a little too much. If you've actually read up to this point, thank you so much! And also, if you've been a regular reader of my blog, thank you very much as well. It brings me great joy when people actually tell me that they've read my blog! Whether it was because they've been part of the blogpost or because they were curious. It still means a lot to me, and I'm working towards creating more content in 2019, so I hope you guys are looking forward to that as well.

It's amazing how the last day of the year falls on a Monday, and it's literally the very last blogpost of 2018 and on this blog!

That's right. On this blog.

I will be moving my blog in 2019 (tomorrow, basically) to a different domain. If you're kind enough to have saved this URL in your browser, do not worry, because I will not be deleting this blog. I'm simply moving onto my website's domain: shaynfloreswong.com. 

I've been thinking about how I could keep the whole chinaphilidoll branding (lol not even a brand, I don't know what I'm on about) and still have all my things in one place (my blog, youtube, and portfolios). I didn't want to purchase another separate domain, though having a chinaphilidoll.com would have been great, but monetary wise, I felt it didn't make much sense. So I chose to move the blog to my current domain and link all my blogposts from 2015 to 2018, so nothing is lost! 

It was definitely a difficult decision to make, each had their pros and cons and they weren't just a matter of preference. I did think of actually transferring all my blogposts to my new domain, but wix doesn't allow me to import old blogposts from blogger, so that sort of backfired on me. I then decided that I could just do a nice little sliding gallery, and link everything. That way, I don't need to delete this blog (I think it's safe to say, I'm attached to it) and people can still access my old blogposts via the new one. 

That's a whole new update and something I've been working towards the past few months! Definitely excited to finally launch the new blog! I'm scared about the change for sure, also because I've not gotten very used to the wix blog just yet, but I'm hoping it all goes well! Fingers crossed! I hope you guys have had a great 2018, whether you learnt things the hard way or you had a very fruitful and amazing year. Blessed New Year, everyone! I'll see you in the new blog! 

xx

Shayne