Midnight Musings: A Fish Out of Water

Hey everyone~ 

I know I missed last week’s blogpost and this week’s one isn’t exactly gonna be informative/exciting  or whatnot (as you can see from the title). Its been a long two weeks and I’ve been quite burnt out from work, I thought I’d talk about my so called 'journey’ into ‘adulthood’ (I’m using these terms very loosely) and hopefully it might help a few of you out there who may feel lost. Well, I think it’d be more of making some of you feel like you aren’t the only ones drowning in your own head. 

As most of you would know, I haven’t acted in a while, and it was a tough choice to make. Probably one of the toughest choices I had to make in a while. Not going to lie, it wasn't a choice I made on my own, in fact it ws something that I really didn't want to do but ended up caving in because it was time I grew up and started being and adult, and that meant being financially independant and stable. 

I've always strived for independence and I took part time jobs on top of school and acting the past few years to fund my lifestyle, but growing up means you wanna save for retirement, your house, your wedding, and (for me) your parent's retirement. I'm not saying that planning to give your parents some pocket money or fully supporting them financially when they retire is a must, but I'm the only child and its something I want to do. Not something they asked for. 

Life has just brought me to the next level.

So coming back to leaving the acting industry - it was something I think I had to do, especially because I felt like I wasn't particularly getting anywhere, it could be my face, my body, it could be so many things. Point was, I wasn't getting as many jobs as I needed to keep myself afloat, let alone save for the future. I decided that I had to give that all up and find a full time job.

Strangely, I did, and I'm super grateful that I did, I was worried no one would want to hire me because I've been acting for years and all my part time jobs were in F&B and dance related. I work as a Studio Manager at a performing arts studio now and it's been, about a month? When I first started, I was scared, and I still am. I find myself getting overwhelmed and I'm constantly feeling burnt out and on the verge of tears because I miss acting so much, because I'm not used to constant workload and not being able to take a break as and when I wanted and because I had my schedule filled to the brim.

One of the hardest things I experienced was that I barely had time for dance, for my youtube videos, my blog and even W. It was hard to deal with because my life revloved around these things. I got upset when I saw casting calls that I would normally apply to or when a casting director invited me down for a casting for a project. It was really hard, honestly, it still is. But I think I'm getting used to it, or perhaps, accepting my fate.

I was touched when a lot of my friends were shocked and disappointed when I said I might have to leave acting behind me. I didn't really want to talk about it at first, but I suppose I can now. I'm grateful for the support my friends have given me, and as painful as it is to have their strong reactions to me quitting, it made me feel grateful because it meant that there were people who would have wanted to see my work.

With that being said, I have to say doing this full time job has made me grow very fast. I may still be the same person, but I've learnt so much more about human interaction. I'm not one to be outgoing, in fact, I hate small talk and meeting new people, but you guys know that. I also don't particularly like kids, but my time in this job has made me more accustomed to it, and it has helped me to handle situations better, even if I'm panicking on the inside.

I also can't not mention that my bosses have been supportive and I think that's very important. I've had my share of bad bosses and good bosses, but I've never had ones more patient than them. I appreciate it and it makes me want to work harder. Not gonna lie, I'm constantly at my full mental capacity and I push myself to get through it all. I'm glad I push through everyday, and that the important people in the company are partly the reason why I want to do well. It's goo to want to do well for yourself, but once you find motivation among the people that surround you, it will do wonders to your own self motivation. 

I realised that it's so important to be on good terms with your bosses. It always helps to be polite and proper of course, but you can't always shy away from them. If you don't know something or you aren't sure, you need to ask. Even if you know they have told you before, it's always better to make sure than to come up with something on your own and have them troubleshoot. At the same time, you need to find your own way to remember things. I know that's something I've to work on personally as well.

Communication is key in any relationship and my job scope requires so much talking and coordinating, I often ask myself, why is a socially anxious person doing a job like mine and why did I let myself do such a thing? It's because I wanted to force myself to be less anxious around people. I really still am, phone calls still scare me, but not as much. Face to face interaction was something I ran from, but I realised it's crucial for survival, so this has pushed me to my limit. 

I'm constantly confused and always trying to figure out where to go next or what's next on my list and which task is more important. But at the end of the day, all you need to do is do your best and hope your best was good enough. I'm still in the midst of getting my bearings right, but I think for a first full time job, I'd say I'm proud of what I've achieved and that there's always room for improvement. 

I found that one of the biggest favours you can do for yourself is to admit to your mistakes, and learn from them. You don't need to spin lies to protect yourself, you'll end up tangled in your own web. Also, no matter how hard headed some people can be, you need to stand your ground and make sure that your point gets across, and not be too aggressive because sometimes, people feed off your energy. Personally, I get affected by the energy of the people around me, and its very hard to keep my own morale up when someone beside me is being a complete downer. But you have to be strong, for yourelf, at least.

It's all about remembering why you started. 

The past few weeks have not been an easy one, work, mental stress, preparation for my RAD exams and the lack of alone time or time with my parents and W have definitely made me irritable and constantly on edge. My next lesson to learn is to organise my thoughts in shorter amounts of time under pressure. I pride myself in being organised, but that enver had a time or pressure factor put in, so perhaps I'm not as organised as I think? I'm not too sure, but either way, its something I'm working on and as the days go by, my mental strength is constantly tested. 

There are times where I feel like I'm going crazy and all of a sudden everything is spinning and I have a ton of work to do, so I breeze through it all and suddenly, I'm left to my thoughts which is when I start remembering how sad it is that I cannot act or go for another audition again. I mean, I'd still do a few videos here and there with Swerve and on my channel, but that doesn't compare to doing short films or TV. It was always a dream to do a feature but of course, perhaps it wasn't my destiny to be on the big screen. Being 25, I need to save for a home and my future, and hopefully I can contribute to my parent's future as well. It's a life decision that I've made and still question, but since I've made it, I try my best to look forward.

I know I say that and I've practically left my dreams behind, but like I said, I haven't lost sight of my dreams or let go of them completely, or else my ballet lessons and things like this blogpost and Swerve or my youtube channel would cease to exist in my life. I'm glad I have tiny pockets of time, I just wished I had more. Then again, you can't have everything in life. My point is, this may not be the end of my acting career, but the start of something else. 

I know this has become such a long post but if you've read all the way here, thank you very much. I'll see you in my next one! 

xx

Shayne